The Marching Morons

2009-03-19T04:39:00.000-07:00

I generally try to come up with my own review of memorably stupid episodes, but this column deserves a full homage to Bob Cesca. I mean, he even invokes my mascot, Mr. Moran, and everything! The second to last sentence is a classic in blogger writing of which I'm in awe. Glenn Beck: a MM King in the making, extremely willing to say/do anything to be the next Joe McCarthy. Without actually being elected to anything, of course.

Bob Cesca

Political Author, Blogger, and New Media Producer

March 18, 2009

The Weird Contradictions of the Tea Bag Revolution

Throughout history, there have been more than a few unfortunate and ill-conceived branding and marketing ideas to have been thrust into public view. I'm not just talking about minor infractions like the recent Cocaine energy drink or that children's candy with the hard plastic "prizes" suitable for choking buried inside. I'm talking about serious failures. Probably the most famous example of an epic fail product was the diet pill known simply as "Ayds," circa 1982. The slogan: "Why take diet pills when you can enjoy Ayds?" I'm not making that up.

In the past several years, this caliber of epic fail has also appeared at various political protests. There's the infamous mullet-headed pro-war demonstrator holding a sign reading: "GET A BRAIN! MORANS." And just a couple of weeks ago, there was this display of fail by a protester from the far-right blog Free Republic:

As the sign demonstrates, the funniest and most contradictory aspect of the recent far-right revolution is, hands down, the tea bag thing. But it's not just about the double entendre aspect of "tea bagging." A lot of it has to do with the idea that far-right conservatives are emulating the Boston Tea Party.

Let's recap. It began with the on-air rant from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange by the Coward Rick Santelli -- "coward" because he's apparently too afraid to go on The Daily Show and, instead, Jim Cramer went on and took a beating for something that Santelli basically started. Nevertheless, according to one of the official tea bag websites, Santelli is credited as the patron saint of the movement.

And unless I'm mistaken, the basic idea of the tea bag revolution is to protest against government bailouts and in favor of tax cuts for the wealthiest five percent of Americans. Ultimately, the tea baggers (can I call them that?) appear to be against allowing the Bush's tax cuts to expire. Strangely, they also appear to be against President Obama signing into law the largest middle class tax cut in history. They're also against helping middle and working class "losers" keep their homes. (By the way, your neighbor's mortgage is your problem. Just watch your property values plummet as soon as there's just one foreclosure on your block.)

This series of Obama policies, they say, portends tyranny in America. Of course none of the policies of the Bush administration were considered tyrannical by many of the current tea bag leaders. You know the list of Bush trespasses. The illegal searches and seizures, the illegal electronic eavesdropping and torturing. The suspension of habeas corpus, the record deficits, the doubling of the national debt and so on. None of that was tyrannical. But allowing the tax cuts for the wealthiest five percent to expire is absolutely the vanguard of totalitarianism.

So the organizers of the movement have picked up on Santelli's tea party reference and are rebelling against higher taxes for the rich and corporations by purchasing thousands of tea bags and dumping them into various waterways.

To sum up: higher '90s-era tax rates for the wealthy and corporations? Tyrannical. Tax cuts for the middle class? Also tyrannical. Therefore, emulate the Boston Tea Party as a means of underscoring these positions.

Here's the problem.

The Boston Tea Party was ultimately precipitated by a massive corporate tax cut.

In 1773, the only major multinational corporation at the time, the British East India Company, was teetering on the verge of bankruptcy. According to that obviously liberal organization, the Boston Tea Party Historical Society, one solution was to bail out the corporation by offering it a government loan. But instead, at the urging of the East India Company's powerful lobbyists and supported by King George III, Parliament passed the Tea Act which almost entirely eliminated the duty -- the tax -- on British tea exported by the East India Company to the American colonies. How do we know this? Well, the actual subtitle of the Tea Act, for one:

An act to allow a drawback of the duties of customs on the exportation of tea to any of his Majesty's colonies or plantations in America; to increase the deposit on bohea tea to be sold at the East India Company's sales; and to empower the commissioners of the treasury to grant licences to the East India Company to export tea duty-free.

The rationale was that lower taxes meant lower prices, which meant the East India Company would sell a lot more tea. Your basic free market precursor to Reaganomics and supply-side economics in action. In other words, the British government's solution to the East India Company's financial crisis was, in effect, a tax cut. A big one. Exactly the same economic solution that's been pushed by congressional Republicans and the tea bag revolutionaries 236 years later.

The tax cut was viewed by colonial patriots as another example of British tyranny against smaller merchants whose business would be severely undercut. Consequently, political activists and, most famously, the Sons of Liberty, organized a boycott against the East India Company's tea. And later that year, when the Dartmouth, Beaver and Eleanor were docked in Boston harbor, the Sons carried out their famous protest.

So. Whoops.

It turns out that that the tea baggers, led in part by Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds and the Coward Rick Santelli, are politically more in line with the tax policies of King George than the views of the Sons of Liberty and the colonial patriots. The tax baggers emulating a protest against a corporate tax cut -- but, oddly, in support of tax cuts for the rich and corporations. Furthermore, King George was against a corporate bailout loan. And so are the tea baggers. And I don't think it'd be a stretch to suggest that many of the tea baggers are recipients of the president's middle class tax cut.

Not only that but the tea bag revolutionaries are being urged to buy thousands of corporate tea bags, rather than horking them from Lipton trucks -- Griffin's Wharf style. Sam Adams would be so proud. Then again, to be fair, the revolutionaries are being urged to get the proper government permits for their revolution against the, you know, government. We shouldn't expect that such law-abiding revolutionaries would seek out pilfered tag bags.

So in keeping with a long, embarrassing history of ill-conceived, contradictory or just plain self-defeating marketing ploys, the tea baggers seem to have adopted a concept that completely and utterly contradicts what they claim to stand for. Don't misunderstand me, though, they absolutely have a right to protest or do whatever the hell they want. They also have a right to be ridiculously and hilariously inconsistent. In a strange way, consider this column as helpful advice to the tea baggers. Perhaps it's time to quietly abandon the whole tea bag thing.

Unfortunately, I doubt they'll listen. Last week, with crocodile tears streaming down his punch-me face, Glenn Beck urged his viewers to: "Believe in something -- even if it's wrong. Believe in it!" Looks like they're way ahead of you, Glenn, you crazy bastard you.

BobCesca.com

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bob-cesca/the-weird-contradictions_b_176476.html

Tired of stupid Amuricins!

2009-03-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

Larry Ford, of Fort Walton Beach, Florida, a guy who proudly flies the Confederate Flag on his property, is angry. Really angry. Angry about being a 28%er, I guess, and having supported the Republicans in the last election. Anyway, to demonstrate how upset he is, he's mounted two identical signs that both say, "January 20, 2009, A Day of Darkness, Hussen". Thus spoketh Mr. Ford:

"We've got a man who shouldn't even be president. He's an insult to the decent, hard-working people that made this country what it is."

When someone pointed out his chosen spelling of President Barack Obama's middle name, Ford barked:

"I think everybody knows who I'm talking about, don't you? American people are the stupidest people in the world, but something like that I think they can figure out."

Larry brings light to the darkness, thanks to his superior smartness.

McNuggetless

2009-03-05T04:24:00.000-08:00

I've been to this McDonald's!

A McNuggets "Emergency"
Floridian called 911 three times over McDonald's chicken shortage

MARCH 3--Angered that her local McDonald's was out of Chicken McNuggets, a Florida woman called 911 three times to report the fast food "emergency." Latreasa Goodman, 27, last Saturday called police to complain that a cashier--citing a McDonald's all sales are final policy--would not give her a refund. [To listen to Goodman's 911 calls, click here, here, and here.]

When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Goodman noted, "I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report. That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system. Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, "this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency." The McDonald's devotee is seen at right in a mug shot snapped after a previous encounter with police. Last month, a Florida man was arrested after he called 911 to complain about his displeasure with a Burger King combo meal. (2 pages)

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... gget1.html

Youtube

60% of U.S. questions "theory" known as Evolution

2009-02-14T07:02:00.000-08:00

February 11, 2009
On Darwin’s Birthday, Only 4 in 10 Believe in Evolution

by Frank Newport

PRINCETON, NJ -- On the eve of the 200th anniversary of Charles Darwin's birth, a new Gallup Poll shows that only 39% of Americans say they "believe in the theory of evolution," while a quarter say they do not believe in the theory, and another 36% don't have an opinion either way. These attitudes are strongly related to education and, to an even greater degree, religiosity.

There is a strong relationship between education and belief in Darwin's theory, as might be expected, ranging from 21% of those with high-school educations or less to 74% of those with postgraduate degrees.

Those with high-school educations or less are much more likely to have no opinion than are those who have more formal education. Still, among those with high-school educations or less who have an opinion on Darwin's theory, more say they do not believe in evolution than say they believe in it. For all other groups, and in particular those who have at least a college degree, belief is significantly higher than nonbelief.

So, I had to wonder: what would be the results of this same survey if taken in Europe, Australia, and all other civilized nations, all those that aren't completely dumbified by The Fundamental Christianists?

And I found one answer, at Pew Research:

As a former Catholic, I'm at least pleased to see them coming in above the halfway mark. Of course, who should comprise the majority of groups under them?

For myself, I prefer to worship at the alter of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and give thanks for his noodly goodness.

Prepare the damned spaceships already. There are far too many morons here.

Joe The Dumber

2009-02-13T18:11:00.000-08:00

"I don’t believe there’s two sides to every story. It’s black and white. There’s right and wrong.”

- Senior Republican campaign strategist, Middle Eastern affairs expert, and U.S. economics consultant Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, 2/4/09

Paging Eric Arthur Blair

2009-02-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

U.S. Rep. Austria blames Depression on Roosevelt
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 7:36 AM
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

U.S. Rep. Steve Austria said he supports a scaled-down federal economic-stimulus proposal, but the Beavercreek Republican told The Dispatch editorial board that the huge influx of money into the economy could have a negative effect.

"When (President Franklin) Roosevelt did this, he put our country into a Great Depression," Austria said. "He tried to borrow and spend, he tried to use the Keynesian approach, and our country ended up in a Great Depression. That's just history."

Most historians date the beginning of the Great Depression at or shortly after the stock-market crash of 1929; Roosevelt took office in 1933.

Rep. Austria gets right with history: FDR didn't start Depression

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 3:24 AM

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

Freshman U.S. Rep. Steve Austria conceded yesterday that President Franklin D. Roosevelt did not cause the Great Depression.

In a one-page e-mail, the Beavercreek Republican wrote:

"I did not mean to imply in any way that President Roosevelt was responsible for putting us into the Depression, but rather was trying to make the point that Roosevelt's attempt to use significant spending to get us out of the Depression did not have the desired effect. Roosevelt did not put us into the Depression, but rather his policies could not pull the nation out of the recession."

Austria said he gave that message via telephone to constituents at a recent town-hall meeting.

Roosevelt took office in March 1933. Many historians date the Depression from the stock-market crash later dubbed Black Tuesday, which happened in 1929.

Austria said he supported a GOP alternative stimulus proposal that cost half as much but still provided money to create jobs quickly. The current version costs too much and does not aid small businesses enough, he said.

h/t Uncle Flakey

The Most Valuable Bong In The World

2009-02-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

He did a binger in their town!

So 14-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps is at this college party, see? Maybe you hadn't heard ...

Columbia, South Carolina's WIS-TV News is reporting that the guy who owned the fabulous graphics has been busted for trying to sell it on eBay. 420 Nobel Prize winners could have told him that that probably wasn't such a good idea, even if Sheriff Leon Lott wasn't having his shit jumped daily by the pinheads of Richland County. They're just sure there must be something for which Phelps can be prosecuted. They're all about justice, the letter of the law, that type of thing.

So because all these schmucks just won't STFU about it, he had his men look into things:

Lott says the picture indicated a law was being broken in his jurisdiction. He said he couldn't ignore the violation just because Phelps is rich and famous.
We've now learned that since investigators began trying to build a case, they've made eight arrests: seven for drug possession and one for distribution. These are arrests that resulted as the sheriff's department served search warrants.

We've also learned that the department has located and confiscated that bong.

Sources say the owner of the bong was trying to sell it on eBay for as much as $100,000.

The owner, who wasn't even at the party, is one of the eight now charged.

C'mon. You tried to sell your bong on eBay? Really? REALLY?!? Did you not know you can't sell used bongs on the internet, even if they were photographed being toked upon by a famous person? (Insert rest of Seth Meyers monologue here)

MugShotDuJour.com

2009-02-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

If you want a laugh, go to MugShotDuJour.com

Criminals are worthy of mention here. Yes, I should caveat what I'm saying, because simply having your photo taken by the police doesn't automatically mean you're guilty. But it does mean you were charged with something. There are some folks displayed that were just down on their luck, and took a really bad picture. But, given the nature of the poses that my web bud Blake gathers, I'm sure the majority of these folks inevitably plead out or are found guilty, usually for being under the influence of something.

It's not the only website in the country that posts mug shots, and I'm no big fan of cops. But it's the funniest one. For some reason, it seems like the stupidest people in America flock to the greater Tampa/St. Pete/Clearwater area.

My favorite categories are Crazy Eyes, Man Or Woman", and Bad Hair Day. There's a lotta bad hair days in booking, I guess.

C'mon, can't you smile?

http://mugshotdujour.com/

She's Not Invited Anywhere NEAR My Wedding

2009-02-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

The Evil Stupid Fred Phelps

2009-02-07T04:28:00.000-08:00

The absolutely insane Fred Phelps is one of the most repulsive, horrible cretins to ever exist on Earth. Let us all say a prayer that asks a just God to give him an excruciatingly painful, wickedly slow death, after which he should be re-incarnated as the ugly midget piss bucket boy on Fire Island's most popular beach.

Hat tip to gblowfish at ChiefsPlanet:

02-05-2009, 10:10 AM

Fred Phelps Klan is still Bat Sh*t Crazy

The alma mater of Mr. Doggity's eldest daughter has drawn the ire of the king of wingnuttia, Fred "God Hates pillowbiters" Phelps...

http://brickbatblog.blogspot.com/2009/02/fred-phelps-to-protest-shawnee-mission.html

Back in October of 2007, the Prairie Village, KS high school annointed a "sodomist homecoming overlord. "Apparently the folks at Westboro Baptist Church, a renowned bathhouse in Topeka, have a harder time sounding out the printed word than we thought and are just now catching up on the news.

Fred Phelps and his army of secret boofers for Jesus will arrive at the school to protest TODAY. I bet the folks at Shawnee Mission School District are thrilled beyond measure.

Here's the Fredster's "Mission statement:"

Shawnee Mission East High School - 7500 Mission Rd

On the whole electing a pillowbiter to be your Homecoming Queen - well that is so appropriate for a filthy little goody-two-shoes-type bible belt community like Prairie Village! Here's how you hypocrites got that way:

Romans 1:18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; 19 ¶ Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them. 20 For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: 21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. 22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, 23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. 24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: 25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. 26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: 27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. 28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; 29 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, 30 Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: 32 Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them. AMEN!

Yeah, I really hate despiteful people too. You've really got to admire psychotic fundamentalists that speak in the voice of a spurned young teenage girl who flunked English and Bible Studies.

My next band is going to be named "The Covenantbreakers".

Goodbye, Chimpy

2009-01-19T02:10:00.000-08:00

Today is the last of 2,921 days enduring Our Stupidest President. Finally. We can all breathe a little easier now.

Below, the Commander In Chief demonstrates his deep respect for the military chain of command and protocol:

Teh stupid, it hurted. A lot.

Some Should Not Reproduce

2009-01-19T01:59:00.000-08:00

Concerned mother

Engineering Questions Of The Day:

How much does a home weigh?
How much weight can a rural bridge support?

One at a time, please.

It Takes A Village Idiot

2009-01-16T14:47:00.001-08:00

The whining wingnuts of Pajamas Media thought up this brilliant idea: Take Sam "Joe The Plumber" Wurzelbacher, the latest bald right-wing man-whore, another poser with zero qualifications as a reporter, and send him into a war zone to be a war correspondent! A stunning concept on the part of pjtv.com, non? Sam/Joe went all the way to Gaza to drop this nugget:

"I think media should be abolished from, you know, reporting. War is hell."

Following that, he picked an argument with an actual war correspondent.

CNN's Rick Sanchez had this to say to the aspirationally future-rich unlicensed tradesman, self-appointed hero of the regular guy:

I want to share with you the thoughts of Samuel Wurzelbacher -- you know, "Joe the Plumber" -- now Joe the war correspondent. Yes, he's been in Israel filing reports.

And here's his analysis, as reported by the Associated Press. You're going to love this:

"I don't think journalists should be anywhere around war. I mean you guys report where our troops are at. You report what's happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it's asinine. I think media should be abolished from, you know, reporting, war is hell."

There you have it.

Samuel, let me talk to you directly....

First, I was born in a communist country, so I'm familiar with people like you -- and Fidel Castro, by the way -- not to name drop -- who also think "that media should be abolished."

Number two, I've covered wars. And while I can't speak for war correspondents who put their lives on the line every day, I can tell you, what they do is requisite -- essential to our democracy.

Whether you've insulted them is up to them to tell you.

But I will tell you who you have insulted. Forty-one journalists were killed last year -- two already killed this year -- while trying to practice their craft. They can't speak for themselves, because they're no longer with us, Samuel.

And their children, their wives and husbands, their fathers and mothers -- they don't have a TV show.

So on behalf of them, Sam, let's see, you're not really a licensed plumber. You're not really a war correspondent. And your name isn't even really Joe. I think we all do know, though, who you are.

You know that guy who lives down the street -- the guy who shows up at the backyard barbecue when there's free food?

You know that guy?

He knows everything about everything, but really knows nothing, hates everything and everybody. He can't understand why anybody would find any fault with him. You know, the obnoxious guy -- there's always one at every party or every gathering on every block. You know that guy. We all know that guy.

Well, that guy wasn't made famous by John McCain and Sarah Palin. You were, Sam. So we're stuck with you. But it doesn't mean that we can't call you out.

In fact, I just did.

Since Rick Sanchez is obviously a communist, we can't trust his opinions. Nor any of the biased news CNN airs that corporate advertisers across the political spectrum and across America somehow seem to find palatable year in and year out. If you want to see 'Joe's' commentary in full, go find Pajamas Media. I'm sure as heck not going to link them. Have your VISA card ready too, cuz pjtv thinks Wurzelbacher's online commentary is valuable enough to be pay-per-view.

Pajamas Media has figured it all out, and they're now addressing that old broken saw, "liberal media bias", head on! ~~Sam~~ Joe The ~~Unlicensed Plumber's Assistant~~ Conservative-Reporter-Who-Hates-Reporters is on the job. 'Joe', the truth-telling journalist with the false name, is so relevant, so important, his reporting is so incredibly valuable, that you need to pay in advance to witness the awesomeness of his opinions. The bias-free patriots at Wingnut Media HQ have taken their bull by the horns, and now are giving "regular guys" just what they've been clamoring for: shit-for-brains reporters.

"Fuck goddamn Joe the God Damn Motherfucking Plumber! I want motherfucking Joe the Plumber dead!"

-- Charles Karel Bouley, KGO Radio, Nov. 1, 2008

I wish he'd just go away too.